a laal bit of crack fra westmorland

a sunday stroll

sunday morning ,twelve o clock .

ont back doer, a bloody greet knock .

"ista comin owt fer a bit crack ?"

"thowt we'd walk doont beck n back."

so bill and fred went owt fert walk.

couple a miles via't pubs a course

gannin theer wasnt se bad 

but comin back ,o my god ! 

 

owert fields an in awt ditches,

caked in mud and rips int britches ,

stackerin yam nearly fower,

old lass waitin ahind front doer,

bills wife theer widt  rollin pin ,

"wheret bloody hell does ta think thoose bin?"

"av nobbut had a couple a stouts "

"an yan er teur whiskies ta help em out!"

freds wifes ont phone 't' mother,

upta now shes had nay bother,

"ees bin tat pub an nobbut just come back"

"noo he's liggin ootside ,kessed on his back"

"a tell a lie, noo ees on his knees!"

"doors wide open,but ees lookin fer his keys!!"

"i thowt as much ,when e took this lang

"that greyhound beers far ower strang"

 

"oh bugger it ees comin in"

"ahl afta ga ,afore e falls int bin"

"ower late,! ees ligged ont flewer "

"what a scrow ,rubbish all ower".

 

old lasses help inta bed ,

sunday roasts cold ,but dogs well fed !!

                                     
 

 

a note to all dialect  enthusiasts out there ,this isnt meant to be true dialect ,just a sample of life in shap , to anybody visiting shap  expect to hear something like it from the locals .. yours shaplad
  
    A SUNDAY CYCLE


  bill and fred are out again ,

sunday morning just past ten.

no pubs int village they've bin telt ,

not less they they want another belt.

ter next village five mile downhill ,

off ont bikes head fred n bill.

gannon ower fast fred loses his hat ,

and bill gars fleein through an open yat,

fred recovers from his mishap,

and finds bill liggin in a cow clap,

leavint bikes theer all twisted and bent,

off down't lonnin tat pub they went.

 

they get tat pub n order two pints a beer,

but landlady sez "thoose not comin in ere",

"tha stinks ta high heaven and tha's covered in clart",

"ive smelt better things at tauction mart",

"get theesels yam and get cleaned up",

"then mebbe i'll let ya come back and sup",

so off they trudge five mile uphill,

another bad day for fred and bill.

more from bill and fred in the near future ( these two bear no resemblance,and are not based on  anyone in shap ,honest !!! )

 

a lakeland lament

the following poem was written during the foot and mouth crisis of 2001,and might give you an insight into what it was like living amongst it .

 A shepherd stands ,crook in hand,

gazing down ,on windswept land ,

a furrowed brow ,on weathered face ,

contemplates, this national disgrace.

the fields are hushed, and empty now,

no bleat of sheep, or bellow of cow ,

no lambs crying out ,for their attentitive mothers ,

or frolicking in meadows ,with sisters and brothers.

              

The shepherds gaze, turns to the village below,

down in the valley ,almost hidden from show,

the pubs lie empty ,for money is tight ,

hotels too ,not a tourist in sight;

,the shops tick over ,for people must eat ,

and on the street corners ,old farmers still meet ,

the talk is the same ,of times past ,

and how much longer, farming can last.

 

A lifetimes work ,of blood sweat and tears ,

gone in an instant,left with just fears ,

what happens now ? the futures uncertain,

for many its surely ,the final curtain,

farms handed down, from father to son ,

not any more ,the farms are all gone,

can't diversify ,on barren fell ,

where grass does grow,but not very well,

not here your crops ,of veg and wheat,

where the summer sun ,gives little heat,

and winters grip ,is like a vice,

two foot thick snow ,coated with ice,

the land recovers ,in time for spring,

but what kind of respite ,does that bring,

the land untended ,grows wild and free ,

a mass of heather,shrub, bush and tree,

and what of the walkers, with no footpaths to tread?

they have gone too ,now the countrysides dead .

j.lowis june 2001

fred's feeling sheepish

Bill goes to the pub,freds sat at the bar,

he says "thoose lookin a bit down .let me buy you a jar"

"we'll sit here and have a bit sup ",

"tell me whats wrong, and ,it'll mebbe cheer you up",

fred says "the wife's alluss moanin, she's a pain in the ass",

"keeps goin on and on ,bout cutting the grass",

"so i thowt ,'noo then i know what to jer !"

"and i went intat field, and fetched a sheep back for er"

 

"I said there thoo gars, it'll keept grass low "

"and fert it leaves, ull mek yer flewers grow"

 "she said  flowers, what flowers? it's eaten the lot !"

 "and nowt bloody things started ont vegetable plot"

"so i chest it all ower,and got it up agint wall",

"just my luck,thats whent vicar decided to call"

"theres me ont ground, with a sheep in me arms "

and vicar stood theer ,thinkin i'm after it's charms!"

 

"So the vicars on brandy, and the wifes in a strop" ,

"and i've come down here, to have me a pop,"

 the landlords so kind, he sed i cud have it for nowt ,

"and there's lamb stew ont menu and it's as good as owt !"

counting westmorland style

a few words in westmerian

bill n fred ont world cup

fred n bill gar t tauction